I love you more than you'll ever know

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When our time is up
When our lives are done
Will we say we’ve had our fun
Will we make our mark this time?
Will we always say we tried?

uh. i'm flunking everythingggg, and don't tell me otherwise cus you don't know what kinda crap answers i wrote :( amath was.. i guess the paper was quite okay but i didnt really study for it so yeah i found it kinda hard. i went wtf-ing in my head throughout the paper, haha. bio yesterday was like shit. i didnt study for the fricking nerve system and it just happened to come out in section C so like how awesome.
but yeah like whatever. i don't care anymore. my results are gonna be shit anyway, i mean like i only studied one and a half weeks before the exams and i've never been so unprepared ever. i don't know. so when my shit results come out i'm not gonna be sad cus i know i deserve it. when i say shit i really mean shit, not like people who say they just passed when they got 70 plus coughcoughcough (:

kay. so loads of stuff happened. 8th sept- westlife concert. haha. i want, need and must go taka food hall. shit it has like so so so many flavours of ice cream for venezia, and there're like nice-looking doughnuts next to venezia. Oh and i want, need and must go shopping soon too. hahaho. so where was i? westlife concert. yepp it was good, but its quite short so it ended at like 9.30 but i still kana shit from my parents anyway ahaha. i love westlife. yay.

so okay. some other stuff happened too, like my grandad passing away on 21st of sept, at 2 am. the hospital called and my family went there but i didnt know cus i was fricking asleep so yeah, aft i reached home from school mum told me and we went singapore casket. we went there for like three days, on saturday he got cremated, and we got to see his remainings and stuff. i'm seriously glad i had my cousins with me. we burned all those paper stuff like hell notes for him, would it have been disrespectful of me to say that i had fun doing it? but i really did.
yeahhh. somehow, just somehow i wasnt sad, okay sure i'm sad but not the kind of torn apart sad. i seriously wondered what the hell was wrong with me. but i cried watching him in the hospital cus it looked damn painful. he was in the icu for two days, and there was this tube as thick as a finger inserted through his mouth into his lungs. he kept wanting to take it off, it was damn damn damn hard to watch him, he couldnt talk, he couldnt eat and he didnt want to sleep cus he was afraid if he did, he'd go just like that, and he really wanted to see my dad just one last time so my dad flew back from china. so yeah then the doc finally took off the tubing and they transferred him to a room, with nurses there like 24/7 and he had this oxygen mask thing and this band thing wrapped around his head, still he kept wanting to take it off and he shifted from side to side on his bed and he wasn't comfortable. but he didnt want to die yet, he didnt sleep, he couldnt sleep. and it was just seriously saddening to see him tugging at his oxygen mask, pulling at all the tubes inserted into his wrists and nose. my aunt said he didnt wanna go cus he still had some unfinished business... i think he wanted to see my brother or something, who wouldnt want to take a last look at their grandson before they died? it just sucks that my brother didnt fly back from aus to see him. i mean, sure he had his exams in mid oct but come on this would only take 3 days. has everything really changed so much from the day you left for australia, have you really been distanced so much from your family, have you forgotten the kindergarden days when grandad walked to your school just to pick you up, sent me down the block everyday to watch me go up the school bus?

i haven't really discussed this with anyone. not even with my brother, how can i? he didnt go watch my grandad go through all that stuff like i did. plus he's obsessed with his girlfriend. i need to create a eye rolling smiley, seriously. i need alot of things. i need to buck up, i know that. But to study i need motivation and... i don't have that.

You've gotta pick yourself up,
Take another look
And dust yourself off cause life's not too good,
I'll say it to myself and I'll say it again